TEXTS
archived texts..(from my substack.. this will only be updated to archive substack posts, please check there to see updated posts. not chronological, but some will have dates..
。.。: i can barely remember the beginning of the dream but I remember i felt kind of alone and ignored. you know that feeling when there’s a lot of people around you yet you feel alone and outsider? i also want to say that most of my dreams.. about 95 percent of them i’m viewing in the third person from a slightly top down angle as if i was watching a show,, this is important today so pls remember!
i remember feeling alone, it’s hard to remember because i was not properly lucid at this time… it felt like when you’re kind of zoned out staring somewhere and then you regain your consciousness once someone says something to you. i was standing alone in an empty room. it was small, with tan hardwood floors. ♡
。.。: Someone walked in and came to talk to me and i could hear the clanking of their dress shoes on the floor.
they came in wanting to talk . hands in Pockets and calm ..we talked a little, i can’t remember what we talked about though. I can’t tell if it wasn’t important or if my memory is simply hazey now.
I remember they playfully grabbed my head and shook it around. wouldn’t this hurt ?.. and yet I was laughing and thought it was funny.. it was for fun and they weren’t trying to hurt me. now i’m sitting on the floor with my knees up, they’re pulling me by my head and pushing me like I’m on one of those small floor scooters you have in gym class as a child.. I wasn’t though, it was just my skirt on the floor allowing me to slide. i cant explain how that is possible tbh, it just happened.. this part of the dream felt very surreal for me, because i look up and see their 1 blue and 1 brown eye.. ..i looked up, i was in first person view. it was almost startling.. but felt so cool. i was really there… i felt stun locked there staring, but their eyes were always closing from laughing too hard.. playing, spinning, having fun.. my cheeks burned from smiling and laughing.
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。.。: we leave the small room, and walk down the long white empty halls, it feels like a museum. and we’re outside the school… 𖧷 · ° .
i remember, we’re standing on a patch of field near the exit door and there’s a large lake with these pink love ♡ boats, well.. More of a love kayak if i’m being honest. anyways they were available for people to go inside.. I climb in and they slightly push me into the water. I remember it, the water was quite green, but the sun still reflected a bit off of it. there was lots of moss.. I was paddling around with my hands lol … kind of like a doggy paddle- hunched over inside the small pink kayak (?). there were huge moss pads in the water. i keep paddling and they shout, don’t go over there! I turned my head and i see them speeding over to me, so i start paddling to get away from the area and i did safely. It was just really beautiful.. light blue and purple atmosphere .. they guide me.. I enjoyed just seeing the beauty of it all. I felt so unbelievably comfortable and warm …. so giggly … the difference between the love boat and goofy friendly energy of the situation . i felt really safe .. i could feel the cool temperature of the water on my hands with each paddle .. the HUGE dark green moss patches .. fuzzy.. .. oh wait was it algae ? I don’t think so because it was grassy and firm almost like mini islands in the water.
it was an interesting set up of this large lake thing.. but it’s kind of a moat like concept because it intertwined around the large school which was connected to a mall….. somehow.. kind of funny. 𖧷 · ° .
i’d like to say for reference since sadly i didn’t document many of my old dreams… schools are a common appearance in my dreams,, huge.. labyrinth and fancy ones. honestly, the content of some of those dreams do not compare to what i’ve been having lately.. it was mainly less heart warming situations ..i don’t know if i’d even want to share that kind of stuff but we’ll see. but the stuff i saw was absolutely beautiful, and i wish i could properly describe the beauty of it. but i have a lot of dreams ahead of me so cheers to that ! ^_^ ♡
i remember, once we entered the school again, we went through the door on the other side of the lake / “moat”.. This part is much more hazey, i was slightly waking up around then.. I just remember running around and skipping through the mall… it was large, it was kind of cold and light blue looking. Randomly, i kept hearing.. I don’t know if it was me or them saying.. Infinite.. infinity,, different, difference.. We were sprinting, it felt like no one is there but they are, i saw them. People just walking around, normal people.. older people, families. Only a few people were wearing school uniforms. speaking of uniforms, there were some workers bringing rows and rows of identical working uniforms on these large cart things, such as jumpsuits… i don’t know if it’s important but i found it random. as we are running, we start to slow down and i look at my wrist. It’s full, half way up my arm of these clear and shiny bead bracelets. they say to me, can we split them? But I want to keep them all, but i say okay i’ll give you some. We keep running.. fast. I wake up.
important ..
heterochromia blue and brown eye
gentle.. smiling
Love boats.. Love kayak
huge moss patches
Infinite bracelets . Shiney , halfway up my arm. We can split them?
blue suit jacket uniform 🥋
why do i think i dreamed some of that?
I thought about heterochromia recently I was looking at photos ..
bracelets , i was making bracelets with beautiful clear beads …
the boat and moss unsure …. I think the blue uniform is also from my visual library.. i might’ve been looking at some previously.. ..
it was sad and embarrassing, but it’s okay.. i really hate driving and i hate cars despite my love for the gas station. Being around cars is fine but being inside of them on the road I do not like at all . I guess sometimes it’s not bad, for example on long country roads, or on spaced out high ways. It feels you can do your own thing, but when I have to be in the city and there’s multiple lanes cramped up, left turns.. Uturns.. people speeding around and weaving in and out I feel sickened and I keep having sad visions of what might happen, because every single time you go into a vehicle your life can change forever. I really try not to think about it, I didn’t have this fear for a long time its sprung up quite recently and I have no idea why that’s happened.. anyway..
I should go back on topic, rechargeable cars… I like when they have a charging spot at the gas station .. that means it’s modern and usually means that it’s clean.. modern gas stations are usually very large, and have a huge variety of things to pick from.. I like to see the assortments of drinks. there’s so many different colours, different shaped drinks, different sizes.. but usually I end up going for a type of iced tea. I recently tried the slush machine though, but I still ended up getting an iced tea flavouring.. I get scared to try out something new incase I won’t like it .. same with restaurants.. but sometimes I will try to venture out.. I also like to get a popsicle from the large freezer.. I like to see the frost all over the snacks. Usually that is only in smaller gas stations.. I wonder if the freezer is too cold . when we went to a gas station after the movie theatre, my minions popsicle was freezer burnt. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like small gas stations, some are very cute. There is a much smaller variety to choose from, but that doesn’t matter too much when I think of it… a weird thing though i find smaller gas stations have more candy and gums..
I dont really like gum though.. But i like candy.. I love gummy candies and things like skittles. i ‘ve been getting skittles many times that i go to the gas station. Theyre sweet, hard but then get chewy. Theres a sour pack next to the original pack. ⋆。⋆༶⋆˙⊹ I ponder but i shouldnt do it just in case. Sour makes my tongue feel weird, just like pineapple.. I wish i could go to the gas station right now actually.. I have to be doing something but i’m just taking a moment to write this .. i wanna talk about gas stations being similar to motels.. I feel like they’re the same genre of space.. well atleast i think so, i’ve never been to a motel, theres not many around me and i also think i’d be too scared to enter.. i heard they do some shady things there such as drug deals and other stuff.. When i see pictures of them or if i manage to drive by one during a long journey they look quite cool.. quiet.. Lights shining! The best might be when their neon light sign is blown out.. hehe. I just thought about those gas stations that pump your gas for you. I dont know how people feel about those.. I dont know how i feel about that either actually since i’ve never done this act of filling a car. It seems strange though.. Car washes i get.. Oh speaking of car washes they are super fun.. But also scary when i think about it now… i think a lot of things scary me these days.. I used to be very comforted by the cool colours of the soap splattering everywhere, its like a show.. N then the water spraying it all away.. Exiting the wash station and now you’re back to the real world and the sun is beaming down bright.. your eyes need to adjust.. haven’t experienced a car wash in a while. oh i have to go now.. ෆ ໑ ˊˎ -
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please let me dissolve into a powder and waft into the sky, and join the clouds, and when they rain and the moisture falls down let me seep into n become one with the ocean and the lakes and then let me evaporate into the air..༄ i’ll provide fresh air and be consumed by the ones i love ,, i can’t feel myself; no physical extension . it’s trapped, i feel grateful but i don’t like it. it’s bad to not want this, i was given it. i don’t recognize myself, i’ve never. it feels like i snuck inside someone else and using it for the time being.. it’s my tool and that’s all it is. it doesn’t work that well, it needs to be repaired, but it’ll do. i’m not a girl, i’m the early morning sun shining in from your window..
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unrelated… 1 small excerpt from notes;;
little white building old falling apart i thought they were taking u down but I was wrong Ur still there standing ? i thought i just saw u but it was another building, i’m glad you’re still standing.. 1 cup apple juice…
1 cup green apple juice / or green melon soda?..
1 cup of Soft serve
1 cup of cheerios
what did this mean… baii
small dream excerpts from my notes (not coherent and also not very detailed sorry,, when i wake up and able to remember i just scratch down as much as i can remember as possible and concisely not to waste time n let more slip away ;;
i was sitting in this large home, modern and in the hills.. the ‘walls’ of the home were just clear glass. it was very dark by now, when i looked out it was just stark black for a while and the interior of the home was barely lit, the only light from purple led lights. i was sitting on the couch not thinking about much, there was a girl across from me on the other couch staring at me. then there was an attempted (?) break in.. i was laying flat on the ground now hiding behind the coffee table, scary men in huge trucks i saw them pull up. their bright headlights beaming right into my eyes almost blinding me as i tried looking around from the ground. it was so loud, i woke up sweating in the middle of the night because this situation panicked me so much. i went back to sleep then i was back to school , it was normal and some people i knew from real life ..n then i walked down into the school basement and there was a huge underground lab; it was very disturbing and i heard screaming and shrieking from failed experiment humanoid creatures and i had to do a disinfectant chamber thing and it was so scary… it was a large lab but not open concept at all so there was a ton of small walk ways and corners and i was scared what i’d see or hear at every turn so I ended up sprinting and trying to find my way back there was such loud sounds and banging on old metal rails and screeching … like disturbing deformed high pitched screeching of something that went horribly wrong so I tried to find where I came from and there was this strong masculine lady guarding the dingy elevators in a long trench coat with a cane and she’s like WHY ARE U SOAKING WET? And i was like I did the disinfectant ritual to get in and she’s like oh okay :D and shows me how to get out n then i went back to class. the rest of the dream is boring n not worth mentioning,,
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also, i was talking to a new friend… we were talking about guardian angels, because i appeared in their dream and they saw it as a perfect sign to talk to me about this topic… they knew about how my light, i was fading and felt dark in the past… but my guardian was always there to keep me surviving.. i survived and they’re still trying to protect me.. their angel wanted them to speak to me badly… so they told me about them. i’ve never spoken to them. but a while back i saw something in my notes regarding a guardian angel, but i don’t even remember anything about that.. i don’t even know if that was real.. but i guess it was true, it’s all just very weird but i’m glad i have a friend who i can talk about this with (ˆᴗˆc)